Bear with me, this could be a long one. Please feel free to quit reading anytime you like. In fact, maybe you shouldn't even start. I'm basically thinking outloud. Or should that be writing outloud...? Regardless...
I've never been very good at saying what I want to say--I can obsess over it in my mind for days, and it can be on the tip of my tongue just waiting to be word vomitted from my lip-balmed pucker, but I can very rarely bring it up. I bottle. I zip. I get quiet and I like to be alone. Such is the life of Library Lady. And there are few who get this about me.
Moreoften than not, I end up writing it down.
Bread and Jam became that vent, I guess, although I never really intended it to be my Sherpa... It just sort of happened! With the exception of a few peeps, I really have no idea who even reads this. Occasionally they come out of the woodwork as closet lurkers and I'm shocked to learn they're faithful followers. This is both encouraging and startling, I guess.
Before she was born, I had this big red book to occupy me. Something like a journal. I mean, they were my thoughts and my feelings on basically everything that happened in a five (six? seven?) year period. But they were never really my words, so I can't really claim them. When something happend--good or bad--I looked for a song or a poem or a movie line or a book quote to explain it. Maybe I always thought someone could phrase it better. I put all my trust in their their ability to say it right.
This brings up issue number two. I'm a Locke girl (and I think Free Samples is the only one who's gonna to get that reference). For those of you who didn't take PoliSci 2H03--Globalization and the State:
"In the state of nature humans mostly keep their promises and honor their obligations."
In other words, I'm completely nieve. I put my trust in people without question, assuming that for the most part, like me, they're looking out for those around them and not just themselves. That's not to say I'm a pushover. 'Cause I'm not. I know what I want. I know what I like. And I don't feel the need to justify it to anyone. That much I've learned. What you see is what you get with me. I guess that's all part of being nieve... Maybe I open myelf up too much? Blech. I don't know...
But I think I'm starting to realize it's all connected. That Hokey Pokey I talked about earlier. Two steps forward, one step back. I have to realize that just because someone's able to put it into words, doesn't mean they know what they're talking about. They could just be good with commas and semicolons. Just because they say they're going to, doesn't mean they actually will. They could just be a liar. But that's all part of it.
And so is learning that keeping it all in isn't going to make it go away. Just writing this has helped.
p.s. Who is this person? That's, like, three serious posts in a month... Too much thinking while running makes Library Lady a dull girl.